I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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