Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
