so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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