I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
