i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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