I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
