3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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