How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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