you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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