Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Never underestimate the power of titties
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
