i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
