It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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