i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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