There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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