i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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