I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
