oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
