i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So much rum. So many feels.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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