You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize