and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
