im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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