I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
