I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
