the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
