My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
