i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
