I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We need to get me chipped asap
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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