You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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