You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
