in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
