i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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