Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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