Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
