We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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