I just saw a hot homeless man
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
