I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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