remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
