she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
