Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
