you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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