The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
