it hurts more in the daytime
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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