chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
