i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
