i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
