he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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