I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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