i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
