this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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