hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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