called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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