Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
