Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
