dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
