i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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