dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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