how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
