if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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