Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize