Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize