i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
