If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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