imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
