I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
