Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
