Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
