When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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