Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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