I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
