My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
bring money and cleavage
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
