I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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