I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
