i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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