just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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