Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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