I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
