I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
